A Cingular Hell

[Ribbs]

A Cingular Hell


Current status: family of five, each with a cell phone. My wife and I each have service with AT&T on a long-standing business account, both using Nokia 6360 phones on AT&T’s digital network. Son #1 has service with T-Mobile using a newer model Nokia Bluetooth phone, son #2 has service with Cingular GSM (using a Christmas new Motorola Razor V3), and our daughter has service with T-Mobile using a Motorola phone.

The initial goal: to be able to use my wife’s and my cell phones with the existing Nokia handsfree kits in our Mercedes and BMW and also use them with the Bluetooth system in our new Toyota Prius. Through about an hour of internet and phone research I was able to determine that there is only one phone model that was ever made that can accomplish this – the Nokia 6310i. First obstacle – neither AT&T or Cingular or indeed, even Nokia, stocks this model any longer. Fortunately we have an old inactive one that needs minor refurbishing and I find that my son’s girlfriend has another old one that we can buy.

Wednesday, March 9th – I walk into a local cell phone store here in Malibu. The snotty clerk there tells me that he can handle everything and educates me that the 6310i that I have needs to be “unlocked” (a new term to me) and a new sim card needs to be installed before we go any further. He also smugly tells me that I basically can’t do what I want because the 6310i is a GSM phone and it is not compatible with my AT&T digital network. I ask him for advice and he states that I must switch to a GSM account. As my wife and I are with AT&T and it has been absorbed by Cingular, he advises that I switch to Cingular. Makes sense to me, but he can’t get me where I need to go because he can’t unlock my phone. So I move on without actually doing anything.

Thursday, March 10th – I drive to Agoura Hills to the Cingular store where I purchased my #2 son’s Razor last Christmas. After the very nice clerk there repeats the information I had gathered at my last stop, he tells me that he can unlock my 6310i and insert a sim card and “migrate” my service to Cingular, no problem. Alright! He begins the process, asking for my wife’s and my phone numbers. While typing away at his computer, his face falls. “Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t do this from here” “What do you mean?” I ask. He explains that because we are on a “business” account, he is locked out from accessing the necessary information. I ask “What now?” He says I will have to call Cingular directly. I still naively hope that I can take care of this in one stop, so I call from his store using my cell phone to migrate our service. Of course the reception in the store is horrible, but after 45 minutes of conversation with the Cingular rep, she informs me that she can’t finish the migration because her computer network is down that will allow her to access the business accounts! She tells me I will have to call back tomorrow. I gather pamphlets about Cingular’s “Family Plan”, which will enable me to consolidate all of our phones onto one account, thus reducing costs (hopefully) and paperwork. At least the guy in the store is able to unlock my old 6310i (for $35). I go home to lick my wounds.

Friday, March 11th – I call Cingular back, as requested. I spend well over two hours with a very patient and informative woman named “Tara”. We very carefully go over all of our existing services and she explains the benefits of the Cingular Family Plan as I look at the same on Cingular’s website. However she of course cannot access the information on the two T-Mobile accounts to determine the average usage on those phones or to determine when those contracts are up (or if there is a cancellation fee for leaving sooner). It is getting late (she was supposed to be off two hours earlier) and I now have further research to do with T-Mobile, so we agree that she will call me at 9am Monday to finish the order.

Saturday, March 12th – I call T-Mobile and in relatively short order find out that #1 son’s contract is in place until October 1st and that our daughter’s contract goes until December 27th. In each case there is a $200 cancellation fee to migrate to Cingular. I also find out their respective average usage and plans. At this point I realize that it makes sense to set up the family plan at Cingular with me, my wife and son #2, then add the other two kids one at a time as their T-Mobile contracts expire. I also buy the second used 6310i (which is locked, unfortunately) from my son’s girlfriend in eager anticipation of being able to finally get everything set up on Monday morning.

Sunday, March 13th – I do nothing related to this mess!

Monday, March 14th – Tara calls back as promised, albeit 30 minutes late. I start to tell her what my plan is after speaking with T-Mobile over the weekend, but she brings me up short with a new piece of unwanted news. She had hoped to be prepared to finish the migration for me, but she was told that this process would have to be handled by the “Blue Tiger Team”, due to the complexity and particular nature of this transaction. The Blue Tiger Team – I immediately conjure up images of unsmiling men in black uniforms outfitted with night-vision goggles and Uzis – “Step aside, ma’am, this is a matter for the Blue Tiger Team”. They won’t give her any more information and tell her that I must call them directly. I spend the rest of the day actually working for a living (I have to pay for these cell phones somehow), so I postpone calling the Blue Tiger Team until the next day. Meanwhile I have my handy assistant Nick drive over again to the Agoura Hills Cingular store to have the second 6310i unlocked (again, $35) and to buy two new Cingular sim cards.

(Go to the next message for more of this surreality)

[Ribbs]

(continued from the previous message)

Tuesday, March 15th – I carve a few hours out of my afternoon schedule to finally get this process done with the help of the vaunted Blue Tigers. I dial the number Tara gave me and a woman answers. She asks for my cell phone # and wants to know what she can do for me. I ask her if she is with the Blue Tiger Team – she sidesteps the question and asks again how she can help. I explain that I was told in no uncertain terms that I can only be helped by a Blue Tiger. She sighs and puts me on hold for 15 minutes. She comes back on and says “let me transfer you”. I quiver with the anticipation of actually speaking to a Blue Tiger. Another woman comes on the line – I ask her if she is a Blue Tiger. Same game – she avoids the question and asks how she can help. I tell her I must speak with a Blue Tiger. This process is repeated two more times, eating up another half hour or so. Finally a woman tells me exasperatedly that I am calling the wrong number! Alright, I say, give me the right one please. She gives me another toll-free number. I dial, voice mail navigation once again, another woman who is not a Blue Tiger. At least she acknowledges my quest – she puts me on hold for 15 minutes and comes back on to inform me that the Blue Tiger phone lines are not working. I point out the irony of that, she laughs and then says “well maybe there is someone else…” in a portentous tone. Who, pray tell, I ask? She says “maybe I can get you in touch with The Orange Tiger Team”. I spin around in my office chair seeking the Candid Camera or fully expecting Ashton Kutcher to stroll in and tell me I’ve been Punk’d! After my laughter subsides my new best friend connects me (after putting me on hold for another 20 minutes) with Zachary. “Zachary” I say with unrestrained mirth, “are you on The Blue Tiger Team?” He says no! “Are you an Orange Tiger?” Once again the answer is no. Then he proceeds to completely blow my mind – “There is no such thing as either a Blue or Orange Tiger Team”. I am convinced now that I will soon meet the Cheshire Cat, the March Hare, and the Mad Hatter. Zachary goes on, “you should have never been told about the Tiger Teams”. After we share many minutes of amusement over the absurdity of my journey, he asks “now how can I help?” I ask if he is qualified – he assures me that he is the man for the job. We start down the road toward completion of the task when I ask him a question that stumps him about my #2 son’s Cingular account because he cannot access that information. He puts me on hold for an indeterminable while, then comes back. “Mr. Gibbs, I have Ilene on the phone. She can answer your questions about your son’s account and she will be able to finish your migration”. It occurs to me that it would be easier to migrate from Havana, but I’m game. Zach signs off and Ilene takes over. I hear her typing away at her keyboard while she fills out “the last little bits of information”. Then I hear “uh-oh!” “What?” I say. “Well it seems that your son’s phone is tied to your wife’s name, and in order to switch it to the new account under your name we will need written authorization from her”. Unfazed, I say “well do you have a fax?” “No” she says, “we will have to mail you the form and she will have to fill it out and send it back”. I uncharacteristically begin to fray at the edges and express my frustration in clear terms. She asks me to hold on, she will see what she can do. I tell her no problem, I am an expert at being on hold. Thirty minutes later she comes back and asks to speak with my wife. I get my lovely (and sick with a bad cold) wife on the phone. She answers Ilene’s queries to both of their satisfactions, thus (thank goodness) bypassing the need for snail mail. I ask, “okay, are we there yet?” “Almost” comes the reply. “I just need to transfer you to the person who will actually program your phones for you”. Yes yes yes, I think foolishly. Now I am transferred to Larry, a very laid-back southerner with a very faulty headset. He asks me a few questions, then tells me that the phones should be working tomorrow. I ask him about programming them now, inserting the sim cards and so forth. “Oh no” he laconically and statically answers, “that department is closed for the day. They’re in Chicago and they close at 6pm central time”. Oy, I think. “So now what, Larry?” He gives me yet again another number and tells me to call it tomorrow and that everything will be fine. He also gives me an order number and an account number to use when placing my call to activate my new service.
I go to sleep like a kid on Christmas Eve.

Wednesday, March 16th – I awake at 8:30am and immediately call the number Larry gave me. The woman who answers asks the prerequisite questions about cell numbers, order number, account number. After many tens of minutes of computer wrangling, she exclaims “aha, I’ve found it.” She then tells me there is one number only on the account – that of my #2 son. Incredulous, I implore her to get to the bottom of this. Again I am put on hold for at least 40 minutes (by the way, I am not making this up). She comes back on and transfers me to Jeff. He sorts through the info and announces that the reason only my son’s # came up on the account is that the order was only placed yesterday. “So?” I naively say. “Well sir it can take up to five business days for this to go thru”. Now I lose it. “WHAT?!? I”VE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS BULLSHIT FOR SEVEN HOURS SPREAD OVER A WEEK AND THAT”S THE BEST YOU CAN DO?” “Yessir” he calmly replies in the tone one who is accustomed to being yelled at would use, “that’s all I can tell you”. “Well then please put somebody else on the phone who can tell me something different!” Jeff tells me that he can transfer me to a “resolution consultant”. I say bring it on. Again I am familiarized with the endlessly entertaining ads for inane services “Are you a fan of American Idol? You can vote using your Cingular service for a nominal fee of $5.99 per month plus transfer costs, provided that you have a digital carburetor linked to your sequencer via our family plan” or something like that. I am ready to hunt down and shoot the composer of that amazingly stupid loop that plays incessantly. Jeff is kind enough to come back on to introduce me to Jeremy, the resolution consultant. Jeremy has a funky headset too, and he sounds like a 19 year-old surfer dude. “Sorry, dude, can’t help you. All I can do is what they tell me”. I ask if there is anybody above him. “Well, yeah, there are supervisors, but they won’t take live callers”. As opposed to dead ones, I think. “A supervisor will call you back sometime within the next 72 hours”. “Is there a complaint department I can talk to?” “Naw, that’s it. You can write a letter, though. I’ll give you an address” “Oh like that’s gonna work” I say. “Who will read it?” Jeremy says it will go to the “Corresponding Team”, perhaps even the “Escalation Team”. I ask if escalation is a euphemism for pissed-off, and he allows, “basically”. He tells me that someone will call me when they are ready to activate my phones sometime in the next 4-5 days. I say goodbye.

And now I wait. To be continued, I fear.

[kmc]

Had to dump AT&T - Cingular last year.
They couldn't stop screwing up.